I am ordinary.
But we are ALL special.
This blog is an attempt to change the world. No matter how little of a change I can make, love is like a ripple effect and if I can send off a couple of ripples then I have reached my goal. If I can inspire someone to love a little more, pay it forward a little more, or even crack a smile, I'm happy.
I will start by writing a very abbreviated synopsis of my life. We all have a story. Here's mine:
I grew up in Lancaster, California. I spent the first 17 years of my life there. My mom is Taiwanese and my father is Caucasian. They met in Taiwan and brought their life to the desert. My mom is Buddhist and my father had remnants of Lutheran in him. I have a brother grasped Christian faith through my grandfather whom I only met once.
I grew up in a place that was not great. The hood was down the street but my house was "less hood" because we lived across from my elementary school. My house may have been ok, but that didn't keep the cockroaches from running down the street when you walked, nor did it keep me away from so-called "friends" who bullied me to no end, particularly one who led our group of girls.
I was told I was ugly by this girl who I cherished, (for the sake of this blog I will call her Roxanne) and she said it almost on a daily basis for years. I considered Roxanne my best friend. I had so much love in my heart. She broke it every day while she disrespected every angle of friendship that existed. Eventually the love I had changed. I wouldn't say it turned into hate, because in time I forgave her again, but I hated her words and her actions and I could not understand how a human being could be so horrible to other human beings. Roxanne ran our group of girls and at the time I was unaware that they all felt the same way I did. We were all treated poorly by her, but there were two of us who were treated particularly horrible. We were the "softest" of the group and easy to walk on.
I could never put into words how I felt, all I can do is write just a couple of things that happened but they are only a few things as the treatment lasted for years. And while there was another girl (who I am still very close to) who endured this as well, I can only write for myself. I was told I was ugly over and over again. I was forced to sit on a bench while everybody laughed at me. I was told my teeth were beaver teeth. I was told to go into the bathroom and have our "womanly features" looked at to see who was more advanced, because of course that was better. Whoever started their period out of our group was practically queen for the day and it wasn't me. Whoever exhibited any other signs of puberty first won. I was jumped a few times. I was put in fights with girls I did not even know. During these fights, Roxanne would inspire the crew to cheer the other girl on. One day I remember walking up to the group and hearing my name and saying someone was going to fight me. As I walked up they all dispersed. I caught up to one of the girls who was kissing up to Roxanne (we would all take turns kissing up to her so we wouldn't be the girl on the bench for the day) and I asked her why they said my name. She said, "We weren't talking about you, we were talking about this girl named Roberta". There was nobody named Roberta at the school so I was prepared for a fight that day at the bus stop. Low and behold, when I got off the bus that is exactly what was happening. Roxanne loved every second of it. It was like her food. This continued every day. Every single day was torment from 3rd grade to 8th grade.
I tried to commit suicide, but nobody knew. I swallowed pills. I hated myself. I tried to talk to my father but he was old fashioned and his style of parenting was harsh. He reprimanded and disciplined. He took us on vacations and showed me the world, but he wasn't one to listen to any of my problems. I remember getting jumped by "my best friend" and another friend, coming home and telling him and he said, "kids do that to other kids, it's part of growing up" or he would simply change the subject. My brother was an introvert and stayed in his room a lot. One time he was there during a jumping, and he did not help. Perhaps a lot of it had to do with the fact that Roxanne's brother was my brother's age and happened to be the most popular boy in school, and my brother did not want to deal with that. He had his own friends and I was the little sister that annoyed him. My mother spoke English as her second language so it took decades for us to learn to connect as we do today. Music was my escape. It was the only thing I had.
I am not writing this for pity, or for someone to feel sorry for me. I am well beyond that spiritually. I'm writing this because while this happened, it MADE ME WHO I AM. It is relevant because there's not much life can hand me that shakes me (outside of loved ones getting hurt in some way). It was through this strength that I joined the US Army when I was 16 and went to basic training when I was 17. It is there that I transformed into a woman.
During the transformation I encountered many problems that I created for myself (many attributed to getting rid of my teenage ways) but I ended up meeting amazing friends (real ones) and traveling the world! I was stationed in Germany (where I met the love of my life), and lived in 3 other states prior to getting out of the military.
This is a quick sum up of the early part of my life. It is relevant because throughout it all I love even more now. People amaze me. My relationship with God is strong. Bullying gave me an insane amount of compassion for everyone who walks this earth. Roxanne did me a favor.
